Ella 11-9-07

I am angry. I am sad. But mostly angry. I'm sure the anger will dissipate in time but I'm sure I'll be sad for a very long time.

We've lost a family member. Her name was Ella and she was my niece. She wasn't supposed to be born until mid-December. She was going to round out the cousins in the family, bringing us to 3 girls and 3 boys. Her Christmas present is in my closet. I don't know what I'll do with the little pink outfits I  bought for her because Ella died several days ago, in her mother's womb, where it's supposed to be safe and secure. The cord that was supplying her with life-supporting nutrients somehow became knotted. Ella's mom didn't know. I can't imagine having to face the knowledge that while you went about your daily activities, your baby was dying inside you. But of course, there was no way for her to know. Nothing she could have done. My heart aches when I think of my sister-in-law enduring over 12 hours of labor throughout the night to deliver their precious daughter, who was already dead.

Tonight they had to tell their other children- their oldest daughter, who is nine and their son who is five. The five year old had decided that this baby was "his" because his big sister had his little brother (who is 1 1/2 and will not remember that he was supposed to have a sister named Ella).

I'm angry because it doesn't seem fair. Of course, the rational me knows that life isn't always fair. But I'm not past the wistful what-ifs...What-if her doctor's appointment had been a couple of days earlier? What if they had detected the baby's heart rate slowing and could have done a C-section? Then we would all be wringing our hands over the preemie Ella, never really comprehending that there was a possibility she would never be here with us.

I'm angry at my mom, who upon hearing this news could only think to ask, "This baby wasn't planned, was it?" People say such asinine things (I'm hoping) because they don't know any better. I live in fear that I would say something to my sister-in-law that would add even an ounce to the devastating pain she must be feeling. My own experience in child loss is, of course, three miscarriages. The latest was at 16 weeks, before we knew if our child was a boy or a girl. But even then the pain was great. The emptiness was vast. Still, I can't imagine what it must be like to hold your baby's silent, unmoving body and try to let go of an entire future you had anticipated. If you have firsthand knowledge and care to share pointers for me, please do. There will be some sort of service early next week. For all of us, it will get harder before it gets better.

Rest in peace, little Ella. I wish I could have gotten to know you. There will always be a place in our family for you. Love, Aunt Kristine

Comments

[Amie]

I'm so sorry for such a devastating loss. I can't imagine anything more painful than losing a baby.

[spacemom]

I am so sorry, Kristen.... Please tell your SIL and the whole family that their sorrow is shared...

[DD]

My deepest, deepest sympathies with you and your families.

[Mandy]

Hi Kristen,

Cat at Galloping Cats told me that your niece was still born. I am so sorry to hear about Ella.

Sadly, I know what it is like to have a stillborn baby. My Ava died in utero October 6, 2006. I was 36 weeks pregnant. There was a blood clot in her placenta. She bled to death, silently. Even though I was having fetal monitoring twice a week, it wasn't detected. So many what ifs. They end up at the same dead end.

The previous year, my son Nathaniel was born at 22.5 weeks, too young to survive. Sounds like you have also had your share of tragedy. I am sorry to hear that you have had so many miscarriages. It just isn't fair.

As far as what you could possibly say to your SIL and brother...there isn't much. But I know that I appreciated a very simple, "I am so sorry that this happened to Ella. Please know that we will never forget her". It really meant a lot to me that people said this to me.

And unfortunately, not too many people remembered my Ava's birthday. I think there were only a few in my family and circle of friends. If you could remember Ella's birthday each year and send a card, that would hold more meaning to your SIL and bro than you could ever imagine.

Depending on how close you are with your SIL, you may want to ask her to tell you about Ella. I am sure she got to spend some time with her. Ask what she looked like and let your SIL tell you what she wants. I am sure she will tell you that Ella was beautiful and that when she held her in her arms, all she wanted was for Ella to open her eyes.

It is really a tragic experience. But the good news is that one day, your family will recover and your SIL will be happy again. You may want to mention to your brother to just watch for signs of post partum depression. Of course, she is going to be depressed for a while, but at some point, things will get better, and therapy may help. If I didn't have my therapist, I don't know how well I would have survived the death of my chilren.

If you have any other questions, or anything else that you think I might be able to help with, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Take care.

[Jill]

Just tell her you are sorry. Don't offer any reasons, excuses, platitudes, or hope. She won't want to hear them. And please don't tell her it was God's plan. Just give her your love and sympathy.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

I'm sorry for her loss, and yours.

[Amanda]

What a horrible loss for your family. I am so sorry. I can only imagine the pain of a still birth, as all my miscarriages were early.

As far as your mother's comment, some people just don't know what to say in situations like these, and must minimize the pain they and others are feeling so that it doesn't hurt so much. It's a coping mechanism. Although, not a very good one.

Please offer sympathy and love to your SIL.

[Coral]

I am so, so sorry for your family.

[Geoffrey]

My heart weeps for your family's loss. It is truly a shame when the precious form of a human life is ended so abruptly.

Regarding your Mother's comment... Maybe she actually had better intentions than what her words led you to believe. I look at that comment and I can see the possibility of an awkward sentence, stammered by someone who was caught by surprise with the news.

In any case, it's best to let go of anger. Anger usually stems from fear. A fear that we didn't/won't get what we want/expect. This type of fear comes from attachment.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear what happened. Best wishes for the future.

[Tonya]

I am so sorry for your family's loss. It is a tragedy to lose a child, and I know there is nothing I can say to ease the pain. I am keeping you all in my thoughts.

[jen]

I'm so sorry to hear this news. I don't know whether she knows about your blog, but if she does, please tell her how sorry we are for her loss. And I'm sorry for your loss as well. Ella obviously was already truly loved.

[Julia]

There is nothing. Just to abide - to be there and to remember.

[Becky]

I am so sorry that you lost your neice Emma. I lost my son at 39 weeks to a cord accident and did not know he was gone until delivery. I have also had multiple miscarriages and believe me when I say that the pain of one is not any more painful than the pain of the other. It is different, but not better or worse.

People do say the stupidest things in times of grief. You have gotten some great advice on what to say to your sil.

Hugs to you and your family.